Thursday, July 19, 2012

Ch. 6


Part VI: [Illumination]
“Are you experienced?”

As you can imagine, I hated God still, and had since I was 13.


I want to melt through the air, and drift
 away from the tea steeping beneath
and into the throat of that bird
outside my window that the wind
meticulously rattles

The children of poets are so elegantly
named sometimes, like
“Thoughts disentangle themselves when
they pass through your fingertips” or Tess

Sometimes I worry that I might
 accidently set the air on fire,
watch heat bend light as if
the tears from the sky were
gasoline, and shout “this is our extinction event”

Blood and feathers rest on my softened, wet
windowsill- overlooking the coast and
still, the rain hasn’t been strong enough to stop
yet, as if it knew of my evacuation plan

Remember the heart shaped stone on your desk
you used as a paper weight or hand masseuse
A few years ago your younger sister gave it to you
Sometimes you would say her gift was prophecy
though the implications of this were lost on me

Thinking it would free you, I threw it off of a ledge
and in its place left a locket made by my hand
If you take me off the chain I tied around your neck
I’ll be laying by the shore with lions made of sand

I’m sorry my veins hadn’t enough wine
to set your sail you into horizons
Sometimes I want to melt through the air
float into your throat
and flood your lungs.

“It’s legal, it can’t be too fucked up.” Sure. Never mind the torch lighter we paid fifteen dollars for because the hallucinogenic chemicals aren’t activated by normal lighters. “hold it in till you’re gone”…
truer words he had never spoke. With his goatee and hair spiked into two Mohawks running parallel down his skull. I torched the bowl and held it in as he drove us around street light less suburbia.

Spinning and stars. Constellations. Nebulae.
floating through abyss. Was I looking into the lights, or were they looking into me?
There was earth. Back in the Andromeda. Back in the milky way.
The multiverse. Travel was easy as thought.
fluid. Streams of stars. Whirlpool black holes.
the eye of God.
To be light.
my son.
I told him everything in a matter of seconds.
He’s not been born yet will be.
I told him everything, without speaking. Our conscious nesses occupied the same time for a decameter, like intersecting lines. And in that place eighteen years of experiences rolled into a flash of lightning and passed into a life unborn.

Unity, of universe, of micro world, of me, of all life, of God. Living in so many places, identity shattered. Eternity in a second. A second held all of time. We all spoke so fast words were like pictographs and each pictograph was like an internet.
He wept. What had I done to him?
I placed my destiny on his shoulders.
I’m sorry. Jesus took my sins on himself.
I hope that includes the evil of putting my evil future of by a generation…
The knowledge of life times, passed from one to another. Innate, still somewhere inside… Who, what, when, when, where, why? I don’t know. Innate. What shall I bear? What is inside of my cup? Just as long as Jesus is glorified by it, I’ll drink any cup.

His eyes were ablaze, as was his goatee. Satan was there waiting for me in the driver’s seat. His blade he held to my face. Laughing, fanged, white.

Infinite space between infinite lights. So many.
Where was everybody?
Unable to speak,
to breath.
panic.

Still laughing. His horns, the fire, in a flaming chariot. To be put to death. We were on a course. A course of death. There was no life here. Snakes intertwined from my right shoulder to my left hip and across my lap. I began to struggle.

to breath. To breath.
panic. Floating in space.
would I ever get back?
… earth, stability, ground, soil
gravity. Please, save me.

A car. In a car with my friend. It was night. My eyes were open. They had been closed. Only for a second at a time. Time, so precious. Have to, need to stay here. So I can leave. The blade. The laughter. The devil was trying to kill me.

The multiverse now floats above me.
A rapid descent.
falling.
my testicles rose into my stomach.
racing heart.
free fall.
raw fear.

I had closed my eyes. I was back. What was Shane doing? How could he laugh at a time like this. The devil was in the car with us. Laughing. Wait.

Earth coming into focus.
so far away.
closing in so fast.

Open again, how long had it been? I fell for what seemed like hours… But only had a second to gather myself before.

Oh my God.
Save me.
Please.
I close my eyes
and brace for
impact.

This time I could turn my head. What was happening? I knew what was happening. I had to escape.

The sky was falling.
 The sky was falling.
 I was falling.
 Life was falling.
 Light was falling. …
falling.
landing.
I was falling.

My knee hit the pavement first. I was told it was loud and a miracle that nothing broke. Wheels screamed. It smelled like sulfur. Like hell. Red lights coming towards me. The door was open. My door was open. Reality was shaky, but I was back. I was afraid to blink. … waiting… it happened. I stayed on the ground. Praise God. That must have been the stupidest thing I’ll ever do, I thought. Never again, I thought. “I forgive you, even as you choke me that way” He said. Gently. But there were still consequences to pay. “I’m not fucking around.” He said. Furiously. Lovingly. “I love you.”

I felt unworthy.
I love you too, Jesus.
I’m sorry. I want to kiss you. I’m not fucking around. I’m not fucking around. I’m not fucking around. I’m not fucking around. I’m not fucking around. I’m not fucking around. I love you too. I need you.

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